The last couple days have been heart breakingly beautiful. Diary...I have met people that have changed my life forever, that even now in this moment are changing the universe as I know it forever. And that my love is a pretty powerful, pretty darn incredible thing.
I should explain though... a few days ago I got back from a conference. This conference was about us. All of us, about environmentalism, about racial equity, about everyday life, about spiritualism, about acceptance, about humility, about gratitude, about forgiveness, about our intrinsic connection: to the earth, to each other. and Diary, when I left that place, I left a piece of myself there, there is those incredible people, in that incredible place, and Diary, I look forward to returning to that place and collecting that part of myself someday.
You will never meet people kinder, or more thoughtful, that celebrate the Dharma inside each other, that grieve together over the injustices in this world, that sit in the silences with each other, that approach each and everyday with reckless abandon.
Diary, these last couple days have been some of the hardest ever. I have spent time grieving and really truly feeling. I have spent time trying to overcome the great distance I feel, the sadness, the depression. I have gone to counseling and done art therapy and spent a lot of time in the dark.
And when I am truly sad beyond belief, words of a great friend echo in my head, "It is truly courageous to grieve and cry, honor those tears, do not be ashamed, they are a sign of strength". And Diary, let me tell you something about the darkness...I left that place, telling everyone, that to me they were the lights in the darkness, that made me know I could help my people...the people. So when I close my eyes, I see those people, I see them each illuminating the darkness with their candle, with their inner light. Behind my eyes, they dance around me, walk around me, they light up the space around me and if I can grasp that vision, I know deep down that...I...am...not...alone.
Diary, environmentalism, seeking active awareness, are often lonely tasks. The thought of actually comforting the things in our lives is a scary one, it can be filled with fear. But once again, I close my eyes and I can see them all around me, everyone holding a candle, filling that space with the one thing that makes us all keep going...light...hope...understanding.
And then more words Diary, will echo inside me."Sossina, being naive is not a bad thing. For you it is your naivety and curiosity that inspire enthusiasm. That is a gift, whether you realize it or not, and that enthusiasm inspires others". The words that resonate inside of me Diary, those words keep me going.
This feeling keeps me going and knowing that someday, no matter how far away, I will return to claim the part of my soul that I left there, with those amazing people.
Diary, I am only just beginning to understand...
how to heal,
how to strengthen the light inside of everyone
how to nurture Dharma so that Lakshmi may also find me
how to be collaborative
how to be compassionate,
But aren't we all Diary? Aren't we all experiencing: compassion, understanding, gratitude? Aren't we all learning how to set our metaphorical rocks down, so that we can actually talk to each other?
I certainly feel so. I feel it in my essence and in my bones, Diary. Change is on the horizon. I am shivering with anticipation. But I am not waiting for it, rather actively seeking it out, inviting it to become apart of who I am.
Diary, there are no amount of words that could actively describe how I am feeling in this moment. They are a cacophony inside me. But the dissonance and uncomfortability is also okay. I am okay with the darkness, the silence, the sadness. And I acknowledge that inside me lives a "coal, of hope, that I must never let burn out". That everything I experienced is creating a more incredible me, someone that has the tools to actively and positively change the things I touch and the people I meet. That I can support the people, my people, my college, my community.
To everyone I met, we danced together, we had entire conversations through dance. We cried together and had entire conversations through feeling. We meditated together and had entire conversations through the transfer of energy. We healed together and had entire conversations through the rawness. Everyday, I remember all of you and that is why I may feel alone, but know that I am not alone.
"I have energy, You have energy, We have energy. None of the energy ever goes away, we just turn it into more incredible things." -Gyasi Ross
Diary, this is my story, my reflection. May what is keep me going.
Love to all of my Salish friends, Love to the Sea, Love to the Earth.
We will meet again soon,
Forever yours,
Sossina
