Feel The Love

If you've made it thus far you weary, tired creature you,
then I hope you know you're loved.
And if you don't,
unfocus those beautiful teary eyes for me and reach for,
the love,
that surrounds,
you,
every,
single,
day,
in every single way,
on your sweet sweet journey,
that is your beautiful struggle.

And know that,
the most beaten of us all,
the most weary,
the most hurt,
still deserve....
the passionate fighting ceaseless love of...
the warriors that fought these battles before us...
and will fight them after us
and fight them still our lovely fighting souls,
deserve,
this burning,
undying,
ceaseless,
Love.

-So

He's back and guess what, it nerves me out, my heart is pounding and my stomach is all nerves.

Sorry for the lack of updates, its been a while. So my Best Guy Friend and I still aren't really talking again :( My Boyfriend of 2 years and I mutually broke up. The guy I fell head over heels for 5 years ago is making a real effort now to maintain the "friendship" I've been maintaining and he's recently single same as me.

This is one of those situations where everyone I talk to is like, follow your heart and go for it, you can't deny how you feel, plus this life is so short. Me on the other hand, well I'm thinkin oh boy do I really want to do this? This is an obvious obstacle for me. I'm writing to all of you saying yeah go live your life to the fullest and figure it all out because you have nothing to lose right, but scardey cat me is almost terrified of taking my own advice.

Inside myself the argument is something like this:

Smart brainy me says: "don't do it. You absolutely should not do it!!" It kind of maybe starts screaming at me.

Stupid heartish me says: "*gets giddy* *starts screaming excitedly*
Do it! do it! Go for it! You have nothing to lose! Life is to short!"

I'm admittedly more than it little frustrated. My mind just never stops going. When I'm awake, I'm thinking about the situation. When I'm sleeping I'm dreaming about him. Part of me wants to be okay with the love I'm feeling and the other sensible part of me is like, "you don't want to be the broken hearted girl you ended up being 5 years ago". I just feel like its not fair. I'm not sure if this is an opportunity to have what I couldn't or not. After 5 years, I didn't really expect to still have feelings, I thought I was done and over with it.

I know something for sure though, I really, really don't want to end up being the rebound girl. I just want to be loved by someone else again. I want to take it slow and enjoy the experience and get the right things out of it. I really don't want to ruin the friendship that is rekindling. I know that its hard to pull both off and succeed. 

So to vent my frustrations and give my brain a rest I've started jogging and cranking up the music on my ipod and for the short time I need it, all I can tell you is that it mostly helps. I'm a runner by no means and I really hate doing it so its a really good distraction for me. I suppose I will see what happens, because surely on my path there is something that I am supposed to have or understand or experience from all of this. I can't afford to think differently.

I hope everyone is doing well and whatever I've written has given you insight or advice you may have needed.

Love and *hugs*,

So

Sometimes When You're Alone for to Long

Sometimes when you're alone for a long period of time instead of it being a virtuous endeavor it becomes an ego thing. It becomes a, I value myself so much that I wrap myself in a million suits of armor, and there is a big difference between those two things. One hurts you and others and "thee other" legitifies the journey. This  is probably a struggle that I imagine most of us have. An internal battle over our pride and ego vs. whats right and relieving.

This is a lesson that took me a while to learn as a matter of fact it was 3 hard months of learning the hard way and it is something I deeply regret but also something I am growing to respect as a necessary journey and one that my true self needed.

Life is full of life changing regrets. Sometimes all it takes is an impulse to want to make things right and sometimes that will require you to jump the ego hurdle, but one that is well worth it, sometimes there is no replacement for true friends. Often times that is the case.

In the light it may become necessary for us to set aside differences and look at the situation with new eyes. It's difficult even I know that from experience but most often it is also necessary. Being able to overcome that kind of thing says something about us as a person. It  says that I'm stronger than the affliction, I'm more mature than the situation, and I believe enough to forgive.

Trust, Rejection, and Abandon

For a few days I have been pondering on what my next post will be and finally in the last few days, I've figured it out.

I feel like some of the most tough things that true wanderers of life struggle with are trust, rejection, and abandon. A lot of the time these things are the results of bad relationships or friendships that went down the drain slowly but surely.

On a personal note, this is something I find myself struggling with. I find that most of the time these feelings alienate me from others and make me feel alone. As I attempt to cope with these constant feelings, I know others do to. Despite that, it doesn't make it any easier. Everyday I fight these demons inside my head and sometimes I'm not strong enough and I'll admit to that. It's not easy, it never was. some days more than others it's difficult to overcome these feelings. They make it hard to make new friends or be with someone else and sometimes they make it especially hard to be by yourself. I really don't think there is a cure, but there are a few things that can help, such as talking about your personal life, what makes you tick, who you are,  and what experiences got you there. You will always struggle some days worse than others but keep working at it because it will get better, you might never ever be able to get rid of these feelings that bog you down but it will get better. It's getting better for me and I'm constantly working at it so I faithfully believe that it can and will get better for you. Have fun on your journey.
Love always,

So

Life is Tough When You're Losing Friends

Life is tough when you feel people you love slipping away. People will tell you to just let those people go and you will tell yourself, that you don't need them, but do you.....need them? No matter how much we tell ourselves that we don't need those friends, the ones that ignore us, or bail on us, I don't know if we always believe ourselves. Life is tough without friends. It's killer, friends are supposed to support us and talk to us, invoking the confidence we sometimes lack but need. Other times it's good that we decide not to be friends any longer with those people, even if it hurts and feels horrible. Sometimes not being friends with that person or people means that we value ourselves. It means that we care about how we're being treated and we know that there are other people that will treat us better out there. Sometimes even though it's difficult, it is important that we stay strong and continue to value ourselves. Friends have to stand up and meet personal requirements. Under no circumstances should the friendship be one-sided....ever. There will always be more people and new people, people you will value more that the people you might have known forever. Even though Life is Tough When you're Losing Friends, keep pushing on through, I know I am.

Common Decency

Last Night I had the privileged of watching a play that my sister was in called, "Just Like Me". This is a play about people with disabilities and how they are just like us, how they want the same things, how they want to be treated the same, but it's also about how the way people treat them differently because they don't see them, they just see their disability. Now Currently I am in school and it is the day after: I was walking in the hallway with a special needs boy that I do so love. When he was younger, my mom was his assistant and taught him. His name is Noah and we were turning a corner in the hallway and we stopped because the intersection was crazy and we needed to get across. Some girl decided to shove me and kind of him into the mass of moving people. And after seeing this play, all I could think of was how rude of her. Maybe she didn't know he was special needs or maybe she had some personal vendetta against me despite the fact that I didn't know her, whatever her reason it was a stupid one. See not pushing people and not shouting for them to move just because they are inconveniencing you is called being a decent person. And being a decent person is nice. It's nice for other people and it will make you feel better to. See I don't know what that girl was thinking when she pushed me but what she didn't realize, is that Noah makes me happy and he's always happy I never seen anything but a smile on that kids face and her pushing could've hurt both of us but after she did it, all Noah said was, "That was mean, she should go in the Naughty corner."  And he was right.

Thought for the day

We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be. -May Sarton

In a world that is constantly trying to change who we are it is essential that we strive to be the truest, deepest, most understanding version of ourselves. the more balanced we are on the inside, the more balanced the things around us are.