He's back and guess what, it nerves me out, my heart is pounding and my stomach is all nerves.

Sorry for the lack of updates, its been a while. So my Best Guy Friend and I still aren't really talking again :( My Boyfriend of 2 years and I mutually broke up. The guy I fell head over heels for 5 years ago is making a real effort now to maintain the "friendship" I've been maintaining and he's recently single same as me.

This is one of those situations where everyone I talk to is like, follow your heart and go for it, you can't deny how you feel, plus this life is so short. Me on the other hand, well I'm thinkin oh boy do I really want to do this? This is an obvious obstacle for me. I'm writing to all of you saying yeah go live your life to the fullest and figure it all out because you have nothing to lose right, but scardey cat me is almost terrified of taking my own advice.

Inside myself the argument is something like this:

Smart brainy me says: "don't do it. You absolutely should not do it!!" It kind of maybe starts screaming at me.

Stupid heartish me says: "*gets giddy* *starts screaming excitedly*
Do it! do it! Go for it! You have nothing to lose! Life is to short!"

I'm admittedly more than it little frustrated. My mind just never stops going. When I'm awake, I'm thinking about the situation. When I'm sleeping I'm dreaming about him. Part of me wants to be okay with the love I'm feeling and the other sensible part of me is like, "you don't want to be the broken hearted girl you ended up being 5 years ago". I just feel like its not fair. I'm not sure if this is an opportunity to have what I couldn't or not. After 5 years, I didn't really expect to still have feelings, I thought I was done and over with it.

I know something for sure though, I really, really don't want to end up being the rebound girl. I just want to be loved by someone else again. I want to take it slow and enjoy the experience and get the right things out of it. I really don't want to ruin the friendship that is rekindling. I know that its hard to pull both off and succeed. 

So to vent my frustrations and give my brain a rest I've started jogging and cranking up the music on my ipod and for the short time I need it, all I can tell you is that it mostly helps. I'm a runner by no means and I really hate doing it so its a really good distraction for me. I suppose I will see what happens, because surely on my path there is something that I am supposed to have or understand or experience from all of this. I can't afford to think differently.

I hope everyone is doing well and whatever I've written has given you insight or advice you may have needed.

Love and *hugs*,

So