Cafeteria Us

Today, I have discovered a new found love for myself.
"The sun is shining the tank is clean...*gasp* the tank is clean"
Just kidding.
But it is a good day. So good I think I'm going to go have a slice of that thick homemade cheesecake at Piloras Cafe. And maybe a slice of Papa Johns Stuffed Pizza and Ittie Bitz generic Dippin Dots Ice Cream and maybe a glass or two of Fre non-alcoholic wine. And I'm going to have and eat all the things I love because I love me. I'm going to go to a local band concert and enjoy the sun. And I'm going to shine so bright that I blind anyone and everyone.

See I'm going through this thing,
where I'm learning to love:
cheese cake eating me,
hour glass me,
anxiety me,
greasy pizza eating me,
soul food me,
writing to you on the blog me,
the messy bits me.

Today I am the me that sits in the quiet room with my friend Mike and that is a good me. In fact I love that me. My goodness has she come a long way. And that me is learning to love herself: is learning to love herself and the calories while eating the most amazing cheese cake in the world. Is learning to love herself while she is single and on her shady trail alone. Is learning to love herself on the best days of healing and the worst days of healing, because this is amazing me. And life is a Beautiful Struggle. No matter what, always beautiful.

So here I am on campus, contemplating cafeteria us. The us the picks the best and worst parts of life or refuses to try something new because we are frightened. And I think we should let our inhibitions go and just eat the Artisan Hamburger on Rye and the homemade cheesecake with the side of grapes covered in cream cheese sauce with roasted glazed walnuts on top. I think we should just throw our hands up in the air and be the best versions of ourselves that we can possibly manage. I think we should wish on all the stars not just the first one because life is short and unpredictable and we only get this one shot to be incredibly awesome.

Stars light,
Stars bright,
All the stars I see tonight,
I wish I may,
I wish I might,
Have the wishes I wish to night.

This is part of freedom,
This is part of being the unedited version of us,
look at how beautiful it all is.

Cafeteria Us,
Silly Us,
Travel Us,
Fearless Us.

Live Like There's No Tomorrow,
So Loves <3

Healing and Leftovers

This writing comes from a truly aching part of my soul.

It is so easy to package up our emotions and our problems. They are the leftovers of a semi-decent meal and at the end of the day, we put them in take-out containers and shove them to the backs of our fridges. And one day we wake up briefly to check on those forsaken things and we find that they are molding from neglect.

It is so easy to get caught in the webs of life, to save our feelings for another day, simply because "we don't have time". It's really more like, "we don't want to make time". We don't let ourselves be still in the silence or caught in the quiet room. We'd rather put it off for another day, cram another take-out box into an already full fridge.

What's even worse is when we tell ourselves that we don't need to deal with our problems, because someone else's problems are worse. There is no comparison, everyone's problems are the worst for them, even if they seem like no big deal to you or I.

I hate when we lie to ourselves saying:
"Oh it's not that bad"
or
"I'll be fine"
or
"I'm just moving on"

I call Bullshit.
I call Cheat.
It is a lie.

The wake up call is ice cold. You mean I can't enjoy those moldy leftovers? You mean they're no good?

That's right, they're no good. You have let them sit to long. You have refused to really heal. If you thought it was going to be hard to deal with them then, it's even harder now. It's not just one problem that could've been dealt with, it is now, many, many more.

They give you anxiety now.
They give you pain now.
As a combined force,
they are deadly.

You don't deserve this,
You don't deserve to hurt like you are.

You deserve to heal,
You deserve light.

And only you  can give yourself the right to do so.
Only you can pull up the garbage can to the moldy leftovers in the fridge and clean them out.
I feel like it's important to realize that no one can do it for you.

It is easy to say,
"I'll deal with it tomorrow",
putting it off is easy.

It is much harder to say,
"I'll deal with it now"
"I will deal with it while it hurts"
"I will deal with it while I'm raw and my heart is shattered".

Our feelings are not pennies to put in the rainy day jar.
They are always present and with us.

It is important that we give ourselves time to heal,
to sit in the scilence,
to enjoy the quiet room,
to drink tea at the cafe alone,
to great the sun as it rises,
to do art,
to write,
to love ourselves.

The hardest part about healing is realizing that we deserve to.
That we deserve all the best things of life.
That we deserve hope and love and dreams and happiness and days without regret or pain.

Choose to heal.

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Love and Hugs,
So Loves <3

The Perfect Stranger

So, I believe that fate has this thing...that it tosses you into these moments with people. Sometimes we are only supposed to know them for a moment and sometimes maybe forever. So we enter into these moments with a sort of hope and apprehension, hoping that either way the cards fall, some how both of us get exactly what we need out of this moment with the perfect stranger.

Sometimes the interaction is just a spark, just enough inspiration to make you think,
And sometimes the interaction is a fire,
a real chance to get to know this "perfect stranger" a chance to let them in.

And I guess the reason I write this is because I have met "The Prefect Stranger". I have seen this person around and had one or two casual interactions with this person, but late last night the interaction was a fire. It feels like she is my non-biological twin,
similar habits,
similar outlooks,
similar experiences.

She talks to me the way I talk to friends I really care about,
she is the best listener,
but also an honest advice giver.
She shines so brightly,
that I am nearly blinded,
if it were not for,
our light creating the super nova that it does.
You know you are in good company when you can carry the conversation for, 4 hours.

You understand that fate brought you to this incredible super nova moment for a reason.

I guess I want you to know that every person you meet is never luck or chance. It is the universes carefully engineered moments. Sometimes these moments make all the difference.

Stay strong,
Stay brave,
Stay wise,
Love on my wanderers,
So Loves <3

Definition of "The Difference"

The difference is a perspective glass in which we look through. It is all the things we are and all the things.  we are not. "The Difference" is sometimes a good thing and other times we must bridge it. "The difference" defines the uniqueness of two separate objects.

It's Okay To Be The Black Sheep

Today,
more than ever. I want you to know that it's okay to be the black sheep, the ugly duckling, the sad princess. It is okay to be different.

For many years of our lives, we were told to behave just right. To fit what I only see now as a stereotype. We have been crammed into boxes and sealed with a bow. In all those things we were never once allowed to say no, to step out of the box and see all the possibilities.

And now, here we are. The black sheep, the ugly ducklings, the shackled princesses, of our own stories. And we are these things because we have chosen to be free. We have broke the box and with the pieces, designed something unique.

We are different,
We are beautiful,
We are unique,
We are the crazy ones,
Sometimes, the tattooed ones,
and other times,
the brightly colored hair ones,
we see each humane as a candle with a very delicate flame,
We are the unconditional lovers,
the forgivers,
the fighters,
and the criers,
We are the free ones.
We come in all different shapes and sizes,
and genders and styles and sexualities and voices.
We are us.
All labeled for one reason,
We are different.
We are treated sometimes poorly and unfairly,
Misunderstood,
Simply for being different.
And the difference makes us live.

See the black sheep is valued for its uncommon color,
The duckling turns into a swan,
and the neglected princess,
breaks free and is beautiful.

We strike fear in the common,
and frighten the not living,
because of the freedom
because we are us.

And we see the world through the glasses of
"The Difference",
through the rainbow lenses of,
reality, hope, freedom, and love.

And when I think about the lack of love for us, I think of this Gaelic Blessing,
It goes something like this:
May those who love us,
love us,
And those who don't love us,
May God turn their hearts,
and if he can't,
May he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.

And that makes me silly smile. IT is not fair when those feelings make us feel like we are unworthy of our own unconditional love.

I hope you know that us black sheep and ugly ducklings and forlorn princesses
oughta stay together, oughta find our inner beauty together, to realize beauty, to transform, to be free.

We are the crazy, wild and free.
We need late nights in cafes writing.
We need bro talks in the dark stargazing,
We need coffees, teas, and smoothies,
We need reckless, fearless, love.
We live to feed our mind, bodies, and souls.
From greasy badass pizza to cheese cake,
We approach each day with reckless abandonment,
and then leave our comfort zones for adventure and experience.
We love,
hearts and souls embroidered on our sleeves,
and get hurt often because of that.
We are the ones that see art everywhere in everyone and sometimes we giggle to ourselves because of that.
and we recognize that life is unfair,
especially for us,
but we know thats okay,
and we don't let that small fact change us.
We are the:
Rebels,
Fighters,
and Hippies
And this is for us. It's for you, it's for me, it's for the judgers and the haters,....It's for the lost.
don't be discourage. Don't lose hope. Don't give up.
We have beautiful, amazing souls.

Stay Awesome,
So Loves <3

And I am Proud of You

I am Proud of You.
For all you are,
and all you have yet to become.
If You are still standing,
You've fought a long harsh battle to get here,
You Have Been...
Courageous.

I am proud that you forgive,
and refuse to see the worst in others,
instead always choosing the best.
We have become a world of doubt of hate of carelessness.
I am proud you choose love.

I recognize the absolute good inside you,
recognize your own light,
and all the things that make you forge on.

You are a Beautiful Creature,
dancing in the night,
fighting battles of the day.

But most of all...
You
Are
A
Blessing.
Where you walk,
flowers bloom,
and when you speak...
it consumes.
Your armor is no longer shining,
from the battles within but mostly from the battles you fight for others,
and that is beautiful.
You never shed tears by day,
instead,
by night of the moons cleansing light.

You know,
no other way but this one,
you beautiful creature you,
fight by day,
love by night,
your passion is oh so bright.

You will never know how luminous you are,
always lighting up all the darkest spaces,
a luminary for others,
you may be covered in dust at the end of the day,
but that is not important,
you will shed the armor,
and heal in the moonlight,
and onward thus,
tomorrow will be a new day.

Wander On,
Hope, Love, Peace,
So Loves <3

It is Only Proof that the sun must always shine.

A few days ago on another blog a wrote a piece called "The Struggle" because on the turning twisting journey, I was struggling, struggling just to stay a float. I felt like i was standing there watching my world burn to the ground.
And the light in "The Struggle" went something like this:
When sadness reigns,
in hell fire storms,
stay strong,
you incredible fighter,
for you never gave up then,
and you're not about to start now.
When that confusing maze of knowledge of yours,
attacks you with hard truths,
and daring lies,
hold strong you smart girl,
hold strong.
See life is full of struggles,
a magical forest,
overgrown,
stay on the path of boredom?
or,
defy the path for freedom?
struggle on you brave, brave knight,
struggle on.
For suns must always set,
and stars must always rise,
it's in the dark of night,
that we see the light.
And though sometimes blinded,
the curse does often lift,
and onward we meditate,
to our way to bliss.
Things will always seem difficult,
Life almost always unfair,
onward our way to destiny,
onward thus we can bare.
You should know,
the fight is never ending,
the struggle...
always there,
life would not be fun,
if things were always fair.
You will stay courageous,
and beautiful and bright,
and your true light will shine,
even in the dark of night.
So fight on,
fight on,
fight on,
as only you can do,
you'll be okay,
you gorgeous bright beauty,
.....oh you.
But now, now is proof that the sun eventually always shines. That people come around and that friends step up to the plate. Now is proof of love.
"Fun Love"
Fearless, sweet spontaneous love,
The kind of love that yanks on your hand and take you somewhere.
The kind of love that kisses in the pouring rain,
and star gazes at night.
The sweet fearless love,
that drives you to travel into the unknown,
that makes you blush with embarrassment,
that is tender.
The kind of love that makes you courageous,
and willing to do anything once.
This Fearless Love.
Bad things happen, that is the way of life. The only way I have ever found to overcome that is to love, love everyone including myself always. Love when I am broken, love when it is hard, love when i am struggling, love when i am sad, love when i am happy. To Love, Love, Love. And because sometimes, you take a leap of faith simply because you have to, because if you didn't, the world would just keep moving on without you, and that leap, is a good thing. It forces you to spread your tired, sore, rusty wings and really fly. It forces you to seek love and accept it. It forces you to move forward so that the world doesn't move without you. It reinforces your strength that you'd thought was gone. And it shakes those wings of yours out in the sunlight, because you deserve this, you deserve this unconditional love, from yourself. You deserve to be free.
Love on my fellow wanderers,
Love me,
So Loves

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