Dear Wanderer's we are not broken

Dear Wanderer's
for most of today, I have been in quite a pensive state. Fighting the forces of an over thinking mind and constantly trying to remember that nature is what will heal me. Why do I live in a city with barely any forests, that question crossed my mind more than once today. I'm dating this new guy and he is everything I am and also everything I am not and I am trying to wrap my brain around the fact that this endeavor will be an adventure like no other and I..am..terrified that my over thinking mind will eat me alive. I have finally found someone I fit with what is so terrifying about that? Let me tell you...I still feel a little bit like that broken girl who was searching for someone to help her put all the pieces back together. But the best part of me recognizes that I....am....not....broken.

I AM NOT BROKEN I scream to myself in defiance. The missing pieces do not make me broken, they just reflect the beautiful person I became after another person to a chisel to me. I do not need to be fixed and there is nothing wrong with being happy. I don't know why I'd short myself of that now...happiness. I deserve to be happy and take risks and really live because I don't know if I knew that was for a while.

Wanderers, we are not broken. I am not broken. The missing pieces are a reflection of the beautiful people we became after our hardships.

You are not broken..you are beautiful.
Love Always,
SoLoves <3

What satisfies my spirit, satisfies me.

And I forgave you,
not because I had to...
or because I could,
but because my spirit said to let it go.

Advice For The New Year

In 2014 I began to understand the value of my self worth. A short vlog with a big lesson.

I love all of you my wanderers,
until next time.....
-soloves<3

This is a Declaration of Self Love

The last few weeks have been trying...my lovely wanderers. My blogs have been scarce and I...have been at a loss for the words tucked away in my memory. This life that I lead is rarely a bowl of cherries and more days than not, the sun shines softly behind a deeply opaque layer of clouds. These are the words I have been longing to tell you...That this see which is my life had almost managed to drown me...It has been one storm after the next...Beauty...a rarity. But I am she...I am which the lightening and shooting stars make me. And all I can tell you is that anyone that says this...everything, is impossible...is wrong. I sit here in one of my favorite places to write and quietly accept my resolve while listening to: Vivaldi, The Four Seasons:Spring 1, recomposed by Max Richter, introduced to me by Terry Tempest Williams via David Barnhill.

I have resolved to declare my self love. That I Sossina a.k.a soloves<3 truely loves myself. I do not regret a single moment these last couple weeks. I do not regret who I have become because of them.

"Mirror, Mirror...on the wall,
I do not hear your sirens call.
I care not what you think of me...
I am much more than you can see."
-Queenisms

"I care not what you think of me...
I am much more than you can see"
and I love me:
I love the anxiously inscribed words upon my arm that you don't understand.
I love the broken smile I do when my heart hurts and my soul is tired.
I love the sadness I can see in my thoughtful eyes.
I love that my bones sometimes slumped..straighten...to continue holding up this weary body because I am proud and thankful that I have made it this far.

Nothing can break me, no not even you.
I am so in love with the girl who sings quietly in a room full of people she does not know,
who loves without reason or caution,
who dances her heart out everywhere,
who wished on the shooting star that she'd find someone that will treat her right and that her life will become complete someday. I love that she has sought the sanctuary of friends and that she still loves herself because few people come out of a weary battle such as this...as well as she has. My goddess is she beautiful.

"Love, after all, always said more about those who felt it that it did about the ones they loved."
 -Nicholas Sparks

Broken but still beautiful, Alive and not dead. I stretch my arms toward the sky praising the sun that has protected her daughter, the earth that has held her, to water that heals her and the fire that cleanses.

I know that I am full of secrets no one knows. Full of a love that the world struggles to comprehend. Full of a worth more valuable than all the darkness in my world.

And I know I don't have all the answers right now, but I do know that someday I will find them and that won't change how hard things are in this beautiful moment but it will make them better in the long run. This sometimes frozen heart will thaw.

You can't see it now and neither can I but deep in my weary body, I know things will get better, be better and I...will...never...give...up.

This is my declaration of self love<3

I love you all <3
-SoLoves<3

Forgiveness and the Other Guy

Along time ago, my dad gave me some great advice and I'm going to impart that advice to you in this vlog below. Please enjoy.

I Love You All,
soloves <3

Dear Diary...I'm a hurricane

9/24/2014

Dear Diary,

It's dark outside and cold and today has been less than perfect, but that is okay.

Diary today I am i one of those kind of hurricanes. I'm not sure I like it but, I know I need to be here. It's weird and hard to explain 

But I want to tell you "Things I tell myself in the Mostly Dark".

Diary I tell myself to give me a break. I spend so much time running around that sometimes I forget to breathe. I also tell myself that it's okay to let go of unfixable friendships and especially of memories. I tell myself that it's okay to remember and feel that pain sometimes. 

10/5/14

Diary I have been telling myself to set me free. Anyone that knows me, knows I have a good heart. I didn't deserve to be treated that way.

I tell myself that I'm okay when I'm lonely and to keep my head up when I'm sad and tired of being me.

Life's roses after all do have their thorns

Some days I tell myself to to keep swimming when I'm drowning and to keep loving when I'm hurting.

The other day, I told my roommate that I was done chasing after guys, I am gorgeous inside and out, and if someone truly wants me that way, they'll have to do a little work of their own.

Some days though Diary, I feel like the fool, that has let everyone in and still feels empty. 

Some days I feel like the giving tree, giving of me until there is little or nothing left.

And lately Diary, I haven't been able to find that cool optimism of mine and I really have started to wonder where it has gone. 

There are days where I can muster it and days where it is obscured from me by what feels like is a constant hurricane.

Diary, some days I wonder why the people I chose to love hurt me and twist the metaphorical dagger into my pounding heart.

These days I oft find myself wishing for people of the past knowing full well, should those wishes come true, I'd be driven to insanity.

Frequently I daydream of a lovers arms rocking me to sleep, of sweet fiery neck kisses, of snuggling. sleeping and iloveyous.

Some days the longing drives me crazy.

I miss waking up to arms around me after a nightmare or the presence and voice that calms my anxiety. I miss having someone to kiss beneath the falling leaves. Someone that just listens to me breathe or watches me fall asleep.

I hate that this huge heart of mine still remembers all of you.

And I relentlessly hope that someone comes along and shows me that I'm not missing out. That they are the adventure I'm supposed to have and that their love is enough.

But until then diary, I will do my damndest to keep moving forward. God knows I need to. 

I'll do whatever single is, even though it sucks and hopefully I'll find my way.

Diary, tomorrow will be better I hope.

Love,

Sossina <3

P.S. hugs and kisses to all my lovely wanderers 

Dear Diary....

July 22 2014

Dear Diary,

Today has been exceedingly beautiful.

It has been a day of tattoos, of feeling, of fleeting bliss, of memories, of "Yes", of sitting with a stranger in a cafe, of paper writing, vlogs, of #selflove, or never giving up.

As the sun goes down, I am almost saddened that something so imperfectly perfect is coming to a close, that today must go away, so that tomorrow can hopefully blind me with her beauty.

I have pursued and been pursued, no matter, the constant chase shall continue, of this I am absolutely sure. But alas I will run faster so that the gap may never close. Today on this beautiful day I am tired, back aching, soul aching...heart bleeding. I am ready to fall into the starry skies arms and quietly rock myself to sleep. My day always silently ends in Lonely.

But, Diary that has not made it any less gorgeous, 

smiles are stamped on perfect strangers,

love is found in the most extra-ordinary places,

warm is the hug that truly embraces,

old friends,

catching up,

light in their eyes,

on their faces.

Diary, loneliness is a small price to pay for all this extra-ordinary, every.Day. Beauty.

It is truly these "little things" that make me whisper to the bruised parts of my heart and shattered parts of my soul, "Thank goodness we made it. Look, it was all worth it. Everything was worth it".

And when the little voice inside me whispers that, I smile and you can see the spark in my eye lite up, and ever so quietly I whisper back out loud, "Yes, it totally was".

See Diary, today is one of those days that makes me wonder whether I choose moments of solidarity, or whether they choose me. Some days I love it, love being able to look around me and realize that this is the world I have influenced and shaped. That as much as it is in me, I am in it, but sometimes that pain creeps in, oh sweet sweet pain. And I suppose at the end of the day Diary, it all ends up being okay.

Well Diary, the sun continues to set, rather quickly actually and perhaps this is where we part ways for just today.

It has been beautiful and wonderful and bright and todays light will shine all through the night.

I cannot wait to see what tomorrow brings <3

Love,

Sossina <3