This is a Declaration of Self Love

The last few weeks have been trying...my lovely wanderers. My blogs have been scarce and I...have been at a loss for the words tucked away in my memory. This life that I lead is rarely a bowl of cherries and more days than not, the sun shines softly behind a deeply opaque layer of clouds. These are the words I have been longing to tell you...That this see which is my life had almost managed to drown me...It has been one storm after the next...Beauty...a rarity. But I am she...I am which the lightening and shooting stars make me. And all I can tell you is that anyone that says this...everything, is impossible...is wrong. I sit here in one of my favorite places to write and quietly accept my resolve while listening to: Vivaldi, The Four Seasons:Spring 1, recomposed by Max Richter, introduced to me by Terry Tempest Williams via David Barnhill.

I have resolved to declare my self love. That I Sossina a.k.a soloves<3 truely loves myself. I do not regret a single moment these last couple weeks. I do not regret who I have become because of them.

"Mirror, Mirror...on the wall,
I do not hear your sirens call.
I care not what you think of me...
I am much more than you can see."
-Queenisms

"I care not what you think of me...
I am much more than you can see"
and I love me:
I love the anxiously inscribed words upon my arm that you don't understand.
I love the broken smile I do when my heart hurts and my soul is tired.
I love the sadness I can see in my thoughtful eyes.
I love that my bones sometimes slumped..straighten...to continue holding up this weary body because I am proud and thankful that I have made it this far.

Nothing can break me, no not even you.
I am so in love with the girl who sings quietly in a room full of people she does not know,
who loves without reason or caution,
who dances her heart out everywhere,
who wished on the shooting star that she'd find someone that will treat her right and that her life will become complete someday. I love that she has sought the sanctuary of friends and that she still loves herself because few people come out of a weary battle such as this...as well as she has. My goddess is she beautiful.

"Love, after all, always said more about those who felt it that it did about the ones they loved."
 -Nicholas Sparks

Broken but still beautiful, Alive and not dead. I stretch my arms toward the sky praising the sun that has protected her daughter, the earth that has held her, to water that heals her and the fire that cleanses.

I know that I am full of secrets no one knows. Full of a love that the world struggles to comprehend. Full of a worth more valuable than all the darkness in my world.

And I know I don't have all the answers right now, but I do know that someday I will find them and that won't change how hard things are in this beautiful moment but it will make them better in the long run. This sometimes frozen heart will thaw.

You can't see it now and neither can I but deep in my weary body, I know things will get better, be better and I...will...never...give...up.

This is my declaration of self love<3

I love you all <3
-SoLoves<3

Forgiveness and the Other Guy

Along time ago, my dad gave me some great advice and I'm going to impart that advice to you in this vlog below. Please enjoy.

I Love You All,
soloves <3

Dear Diary...I'm a hurricane

9/24/2014

Dear Diary,

It's dark outside and cold and today has been less than perfect, but that is okay.

Diary today I am i one of those kind of hurricanes. I'm not sure I like it but, I know I need to be here. It's weird and hard to explain 

But I want to tell you "Things I tell myself in the Mostly Dark".

Diary I tell myself to give me a break. I spend so much time running around that sometimes I forget to breathe. I also tell myself that it's okay to let go of unfixable friendships and especially of memories. I tell myself that it's okay to remember and feel that pain sometimes. 

10/5/14

Diary I have been telling myself to set me free. Anyone that knows me, knows I have a good heart. I didn't deserve to be treated that way.

I tell myself that I'm okay when I'm lonely and to keep my head up when I'm sad and tired of being me.

Life's roses after all do have their thorns

Some days I tell myself to to keep swimming when I'm drowning and to keep loving when I'm hurting.

The other day, I told my roommate that I was done chasing after guys, I am gorgeous inside and out, and if someone truly wants me that way, they'll have to do a little work of their own.

Some days though Diary, I feel like the fool, that has let everyone in and still feels empty. 

Some days I feel like the giving tree, giving of me until there is little or nothing left.

And lately Diary, I haven't been able to find that cool optimism of mine and I really have started to wonder where it has gone. 

There are days where I can muster it and days where it is obscured from me by what feels like is a constant hurricane.

Diary, some days I wonder why the people I chose to love hurt me and twist the metaphorical dagger into my pounding heart.

These days I oft find myself wishing for people of the past knowing full well, should those wishes come true, I'd be driven to insanity.

Frequently I daydream of a lovers arms rocking me to sleep, of sweet fiery neck kisses, of snuggling. sleeping and iloveyous.

Some days the longing drives me crazy.

I miss waking up to arms around me after a nightmare or the presence and voice that calms my anxiety. I miss having someone to kiss beneath the falling leaves. Someone that just listens to me breathe or watches me fall asleep.

I hate that this huge heart of mine still remembers all of you.

And I relentlessly hope that someone comes along and shows me that I'm not missing out. That they are the adventure I'm supposed to have and that their love is enough.

But until then diary, I will do my damndest to keep moving forward. God knows I need to. 

I'll do whatever single is, even though it sucks and hopefully I'll find my way.

Diary, tomorrow will be better I hope.

Love,

Sossina <3

P.S. hugs and kisses to all my lovely wanderers 

Dear Diary....

July 22 2014

Dear Diary,

Today has been exceedingly beautiful.

It has been a day of tattoos, of feeling, of fleeting bliss, of memories, of "Yes", of sitting with a stranger in a cafe, of paper writing, vlogs, of #selflove, or never giving up.

As the sun goes down, I am almost saddened that something so imperfectly perfect is coming to a close, that today must go away, so that tomorrow can hopefully blind me with her beauty.

I have pursued and been pursued, no matter, the constant chase shall continue, of this I am absolutely sure. But alas I will run faster so that the gap may never close. Today on this beautiful day I am tired, back aching, soul aching...heart bleeding. I am ready to fall into the starry skies arms and quietly rock myself to sleep. My day always silently ends in Lonely.

But, Diary that has not made it any less gorgeous, 

smiles are stamped on perfect strangers,

love is found in the most extra-ordinary places,

warm is the hug that truly embraces,

old friends,

catching up,

light in their eyes,

on their faces.

Diary, loneliness is a small price to pay for all this extra-ordinary, every.Day. Beauty.

It is truly these "little things" that make me whisper to the bruised parts of my heart and shattered parts of my soul, "Thank goodness we made it. Look, it was all worth it. Everything was worth it".

And when the little voice inside me whispers that, I smile and you can see the spark in my eye lite up, and ever so quietly I whisper back out loud, "Yes, it totally was".

See Diary, today is one of those days that makes me wonder whether I choose moments of solidarity, or whether they choose me. Some days I love it, love being able to look around me and realize that this is the world I have influenced and shaped. That as much as it is in me, I am in it, but sometimes that pain creeps in, oh sweet sweet pain. And I suppose at the end of the day Diary, it all ends up being okay.

Well Diary, the sun continues to set, rather quickly actually and perhaps this is where we part ways for just today.

It has been beautiful and wonderful and bright and todays light will shine all through the night.

I cannot wait to see what tomorrow brings <3

Love,

Sossina <3

Why Nice People Get Fucked Over by a Fucking Nice Person!

It is self explanatory.

I love all of you,

rock on.

So Loves <3

Humans, Love, and Heartbreak are like a Cheesecake

Dear Wanderers,
Life is like a cheesecake, I mean yeesh if we're going to have a life, food analogy it might as well be to something delicious. In my mind, I picture a homemade cherry cheesecake. Three layers: graham cracker crust, delectable cheesecake center, topped with cherry pie filling or better yet, fresh cherries and maybe a little whipped cream.

As human beings I think we tend to make these 3 things in cyclical nature.
Part 1: Love
Part 2: Heart Break
Part 3: Recovery

Repetitiously, over and over and over again.

Love, heartbreak, recovery, love, heartbreak, recovery, love heartbreak recovery.

I think these 3 things happen in our lives cyclically with friends, family and beaus/baes, because I think that humans were designed to love and then dust themselves off after the heartbreak.

We were designed to love and accept love but nothing is one way, sometimes to love and be loved comes at great consequence, all great comedies and tragedies have thus proven so.

So I am going to have a fireside chat with you, love, heart break, recovery and cheesecake and I'll transition from each but talk about them collectively because I feel like there are days when we miss the point. Days when we are so upset with everything that and nothing that we forget the cyclical nature of this beautiful beast, forget that it will make a full circle and come around.

Part 1: Love

If this is what it means to feel again,
then let me feel,
always.

Heart in knots,
butterflies in stomach,
the scars of my soul throbbing.
If the eternal unquenchable anxiety,
is what keeps me awake,
to share my hesitant heart with you,
then if it must be,
let it be.

And if this crazy spinning Crush,
is what is Love?
Then I hope fate untangles my strange ass string,
to braid it with someone else,
with yours maybe.

Because life is short,
but,
years are long.
What is love,
without your sweet song?

I will give you my heart,
love you eternally.
soul exposed,
love my freely.

So here we are phase one of the circle the beginning, love where most of us start. The sweet pulsing of two hearts doing a dance to see if they are perfect for each other. The first part is all about the rawness and how much honesty we can expose to the other person. It is about just being who we are unedited and pure.
Stage one: Love, the delicious creamy center, the orgasm, I mean foodgasm.

But sometimes Love doesn't work out all that well.

Part 2: Heartbreak

What is darkness?
Darkness is the absence of light.
It is where my soul resides.
It is the limbo,
where there is no light.

Darkness is what binds,
it keeps my wings confined,
Somedays...it makes me wonder why.

Hearts will heal while souls must shatter,
giving can be a great disaster.
Why does fate confuse the strings?
Don't I deserve my chance to sing?

My turn to shine,
My turn for light.
These are things I see behind my eyes.

Sleep is not a blissful cave,
the lions den,
I am its slave.

I am weak and tired and sore and do not think I can give much more.

The sun has set,
I hope it will rise,
the blinding light,
I hope...hurts my eyes.

This is phase 2, heartbreak. Heartbreak does weird shit to us. It breaks us down and forces us to rebuild our own selves back up. It shreds our hopes and dreams and makes us start over, again...and again... and again. So many times it is a test of character. Heartbreak makes or breaks a person. They either stay down the lexicon of broken promises jammed to far into their heart or they yank it out bandage the wound and get back up again.

I can't help but think that we are meant to survive this and so much more. That heartbreak is just a bus stop among many to get to where we are going, maybe we even end up riding this same bus or train again but at this point it is all about the journey and how we choose to get there. It isn't something to fear because tomorrow the sun will shine and things will get better, will be better. The memories will start to fade and let us breathe. We will rise in the face of absolute adversity. Heartbreak hotel fortunately enough isn't like Hotel California, we are not trapped here forever only if then by choice. We can leave at any time, heal at any time, love at any time.
Stage 2: Heartbreak, the graham cracker crust.

Part 3: Recovery

The sun did rise.
I saw it's rays.
So I dusted myself off,
and whispered "amazing grace".
It blinded me while I drove,
so onward I road,
fields of gold.
took some time to shake the threads of darkness
off my wings,
even took some time to sing.
Last night though crying eyes I still understood,
that today would be better,
and brighter
and lovelier
than the day before.
That I'd pick up the pieces of my soul
and build another sculpture once more.
Because no matter how tough,
I will always be meant to Love.

We must break to become anew. We hurt so that we may heal. Tears cleanse our souls. The recovery is perhaps the best part. It is a time for self reflection it is a time when we can really invest time into taking care of ourselves instead of investing our energy into someone else. Recovery is the period of time in which we think to ourselves if I could do it all over, what bullshit wouldn't I have put up with, what would i have made more of an effort to accept, and what would i have given to have that moment again. Recovery is all about accepting the past and it's about forgiveness. And there is a part of us that knows that in the end, we will rise, gather up the pieces and memories and make it brand new all over again because this is the circle and we will be okay, if for no other reason than the sun will rise every morning.
Stage 3: Recovery, Fresh cherries on top with whipped cream.

So wanderers, here's my last thought:

"If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together...
there is something you must always remember,
you are braver than you believe,
stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think,
but the most important thing is,
even if we're apart...
I'll always be with you."
-Christopher Robin to Pooh Bear

I will always be with each and ever single one of you wanderers on the best days and the worst,
each of you has a unique place in my heart,
Keep healing,
Keep loving,
Sing and dance in the rain,
Love someone,
I Love all of you,
until next time,
Love,
So Loves <3

P.S. All of the poetry is original and written by me :)

Dear Mr. Right

So if you are more of a reader *cough* Jared. Bare with me and listen to the short vlog which is just an introduction to the blog following the short video I promise. This blog is a future letter to my Mr. Right whoever that may be whether I have met that person already or not. It is a brief ever sweet note letting them peer into my soul and see just a little bit that is me.

Dear Mr. Right,

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life and in change there is power."-Alan Cohen

You know, I have released much of the things familiar to me lately and my life is filled with more fresh air and light than it ever has been. I am now excited to come across someone to exist with, someone that can join me on the spicy and sweet adventurous parts of life. I long for companionship and travel. But I do not long to settle down. I hope you "Crave me in the most innocent form. Crave to say good night and give me forehead kisses and say that you adore me when I am at my worst. Crave me in ways where you just want to be next to me and nothing more or less."

I want you to know that thus far I have been treated much in the same manor as a rag doll, no woman should be treated that way, including me.

I am smart, gorgeous and strong. Do not underestimate me.

"She never looked nice. She looked like art and art wasn't supposed to look nice, it was supposed to make you feel something."-Free People

I hope when I meet you if we haven't met already, that we fall crazy in love and never recover from an adventurous, do anything once, chocolate chili pepper stupor. I hope you see me as the whole picture and not just the paints. I also hope you fall in love with all the messy bits that are me. I hope you fall head over heels in love with my words, hat hair, makeup-less face, and inner warrior.

"she's a rare breed, matter fact, she's an endangered species, her heart's been broken and just like mine it remains in pieces, but every time we're near each other, smile is all we can do; our shattered souls intertwine, I know I've felt the same agonizing pain that she's been through and I find comfort in her grasp so I reach out with both arms..."

I hope when we meet, you find sanctuary in and around me. I hope my presence helps heal your broken bits as much as I hope your presence helps to heal mine. I truly hope that our shattered souls grasp each other in an embrace that fuses the shattered bits together so that there is no longer two separate broken entities but one beautiful sculpture.

I want you to know that you've fallen for: a hopeless romantic, who also has a hippie streak, who loves kids, and books, and stargazing, and candles, and meditation, and the quite room, who will hopefully have a tattoo by the time our souls intertwine, and who will unconditionally love you, no matter what, who believes in spreading as much of this love that fills her up to as many people as she possibly can.

I can't wait to meet you, if we haven't already,

 Love,

Me <3

Well wanderers, the secret is out, I am a hopeless romantic, but isn't that such a huge underrated part of living this journey and life....Love? Falling in a crazy sweet love from which we never recover, but really truly loving and be okay with that love, accepting it? On the worst days, isn't that what we live for, isn't it what we hope for and long for? The love and companionship of another human being who will love us despite the messy bits and struggling bits. who will "love us when we are a still day and a hurricane"? A person who thinks, "I don't know a perfect person. I only know flawed people who are still worth loving." -John Green.

Wouldn't you kill to even meet someone like that. I know I have met people like that, and they are some of the most beautiful humans I have ever seen. So here it is, Love, my love letter to someone in this universe hopefully destined for me someday. I challenge every single one of you that has read this far to write a similar letter, if you don't want to post it, fine, don't, but save it and make your bid for love, because after all that is the fire of this universe, love makes this life truly worth it.

Love onward,

dream upwards,

Stay sweet,

Try something new,

Love,

Me,

So Loves <3